I sat down last night and wrote out an epic post. So massive I ended up splitting it into two parts. And when I read it back to myself today, I made myself cry. And that’s when I knew I couldn’t post it. When I asked Pal today, what he thought, he was quiet and I knew he would say: “I don’t think you should post it”. I respect that. I respect him (sometimes). He said maybe I could write about the topic in a less personal way, but I’m not sure I can do that. With me, everything is personal. If I’m writing about it, I care about it. And now here I am spewing forth about a post that I am not going to post. That I have deleted, never to be seen again. Leaving it in my drafts would have been too tempting. It’s the first time I’ve ever deleted something, with no way of regaining it.
I don’t hide the fact that Pal and I separated for a short time before the boys were born. It’s never been a secret. However, it’s never been something I have broadcast, on it’s own, for the sake of a blog post or otherwise.
Therein lies the problem. Some things, some photos, some events in our lives must remain private.
At least until a book deal is offered, anyway.
I hardly ever post pictures of Oscar sick. I don’t think I’ve ever posted one of his precious little body in those first few weeks. They are symbols to me of how far my son has come and how far he still has to go. But more than anything, they are a symbol of my child’s vulnerability for a space in time. And I cannot bare him to the world in that way.
Similarly, I cannot bare the inner most workings of my marriage to the world either.
Suffice to say, Pal left. I asked him to go for a night and he was gone for the 8 weeks before the twins were born. It was terrifying, angering, liberating and sad. I found support, love and open ears all around me. And that my house remained remarkably clean.
But he came home.
I moved on from the seething ball of anger and resentment I had become.
Forgiveness cannot be given in a moment. Forgiveness takes time. And I took my time.
Today, my thoughts are with a beautiful woman and mother who has been through this before, and now must endure it again.
Much love to her family. Much love to her.
|IBOT with Jess at Diary of a SAHM|