I am sitting here, trying to read the iBOT posts the lovely and extraordinary Jess from Diary of a SAHM hosts every Tuesday. And I am so grateful to her for doing something that I know is a lot of effort. Because she loves to.
And then in my bloggy wanderings I saw this by Gemma from My Big Nutshell, and she wants us all not to be concerned. She is going to be ok and is slowly and surely returning. And despite how she must be feeling and her family obligations, her husband spent 20 minutes on the phone to me this morning explaining something that must seem so simple to him (because he is an expert), because I have my first uni exam for this course tomorrow, and I am slowly but surely freaking out.
Not in a “oh my god, I am going to fail this exam” kind of way. Although there is a bit of that. I am freaking out in a “why am I doing this?” kind of way.
Why have I added something that is so much pressure and so much stress just for one unit a study period? I am already overloaded just being mum to these kids, as hard as that might be to believe. And you all know how I feel about being labelled a super mum. And how I don’t believe in super mums at all. And how it still seems like I mostly have it together.
And I’m just wondering if I really have it all together, why do I keep searching for more?
Why does this blog matter so much? Why do I put so much effort into it? Why, at the moment, do I resent it just a little bit?
And why does studying matter? Is it really about finding a better life for my family once I have finished studying and can go back to work? About providing my family with financial security and giving my husband a chance at doing something different to a job that he is so exhausted of and by?
Or is it selfish? Am I wasting my time, my family’s time, and other people’s time (like Mr. Nutshell’s)? Is it really worth it or in the end am I just going to end up back at Woolies – a university drop out who couldn’t handle a Bachelor of Arts, and now a Bachelor of Technology?
I’m not doubting my ability. The truth is I know that whatever I put my mind to, and throw myself into, I can achieve. I’m a freak like that. It sounds arrogant but it’s the truth. If I want something to work it will. If I can’t be bothered, or go into something half assed, then it will not happen. It’s that simple.
So I know this is all achievable. This is all possible.
But I don’t even know if this is what I want, how I want it, or whether my very breath is draining my family and loved ones resources.
And then there is this blog. It’s a bit like being a celebrity, blogging. You GOTTA take the good with the bad. And the negative reactions or the low stats, they are like the paparazzi, getting in your face. But your content? Your readers? Your comments? They are your work. What you share with the world! Your music, your films, your art – your writing.
For me, I just want to share. I want people to know what I am going through. I want people to look at what I write and say: “Yeah, been there” or “yep, I get that”. Or I want them to laugh, be taken away from their mundane as I share mine (I know, the irony, right??). And when you get that – that is completely overwhelming because you’ve actually reached someone. Anna Millie at Confessions of a Psychologist wrote about Starfish today, and can you believe, I just want to reach people – one starfish at a time.
Today I have studied for an exam.
I have had four coffees, two Coke Vanilla Zeroes, about fifty glasses of water. I’ve eaten not much, but I did have a chocolate muffin and it was bloody delicious, even if it was about a zillion calories.
I have cuddled tired and sore children, fed them, changed them and taken one to the toilet numerous times. Just so she can check it’s still there.
I have talked to my husband and dealt with my own aching and throbbing ears and headache.
I have put my clothes in the dryer in the middle of the summer, because the humidity is clinging to me more than my monkey babies do and the clothes will not dry.
I have tried to do the dishes three times and been interrupted every. single. time. I have given up.
I have had my feelings hurt and possibly hurt other’s feelings. I have given kisses and made phone calls that possibly have made people’s day (especially Mr. Nutshell – I just know he liked my heavy breathing as much as his wife does).
I have mended wounds. And attended to my own.
All just today.
I’m not a super mum. I’m a person. And lately I feel like everyone is just as tired, overwhelmed, overworked and over-emotional as I am. It seems that is just part of being a person now. And I’m finding that hard to accept. I don’t have any answers. Just lots of questions. Please God, don’t let Roo hit the “why” phase just yet…
My entry to this week’s 52 week Project with Fiona at My Mummy Daze. I have been spending inordinate amount of time doing this. I don’t know how I look to you (I’ve been finding people think I’m a bit psycho or stressed in pics that were taken at calm times), but that moment to me was a point this week where I just stopped, cuddled, and bloody enjoyed it.
Over the two weeks of Christmas and New Year I will be taking a Bloggy break. Instead of new and exciting posts, I will be scheduling re-runs. Just like on the TV.
If you have a favourite post you’d like to see again, please let me know in the comments (something along the lines of: “that one where you…”) and I’ll save you the trouble of searching through my archives.
Also, after Christmas, due to Blogger being a total bully, I will be removing my Google Friends Connect widget on the sidebar before they remove it for me in March. It’s a bit sad because I was happy and excited that I’d reached 200 members. If you follow me on Google Friends Connect, I would LOVE it if you could like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, or Subscribe to Daisy Roo and Two via email. I’m going to be starting the new year with a new attitude, a fresh outlook and a whole bunch of exciting and interesting features**. Minus Google Friend Connect
**I may or may not be lying about the new features. That could just be a line to grab your attention and keep you coming back. I am not lying about the Google Friends Connect thing. Seriously.