10 things I learnt from the first four seasons of The Hills

It’s been raining. A lot.

Do you know what this means?

It means that my abilities to wash are greatly reduced.

Pal is also on holidays.

You know what this means, right?

Yes.

You got it in one.

I have anointed myself the All Powerful Supervisor of DRaT land.

In other words, I have turned into Slacker McSlackison.

Pile that in a heap with severe PMSing and emo-Daisy and you’ve got a situation.

A trash TV situation.

My drug of choice the past week has been The Hills.

Oh, how I am loving it!

I’m also learning A LOT.

Yes, I was surprised as well.

So here we go, 10 Things A 28 Year Old Mother learned from The Hills (Seasons 1-4):

1. If I ever move to LA, first and foremost I need to get an internship at Teen Vogue.

2. Truth and Time Tells All. First uttered by Justin Bobby/JB/Homeboy wears combat boots to the beach. Poor Justin Bobby. I actually like him. His little one-liners CRACK. ME. UP. And not just because each sentence he dares mutter in the presence of Lauren is met with vacant stares. He would totally kill it at an Australian comedy club.

3. 1980s padded headbands were back. Who knew? I mean, obviously it was 2007 when they made their reappearance. But I had no idea. For some reason, even on Willowy Whitney, they look wrong.

4. If someone says something I don’t like, it is best to stare at them either (a) vacantly, or (b) with one eyebrow raised as I shake my head ever so slightly as the camera fades out. If someone says something I DO like, I should smile, shrug and cheers my glass and then nod my head ever so slightly as the camera fades out. Obviously this is an art The Hills’ girls have perfected, and is akin to the “longing stare into the distance” and “I’ve got my back to you and am wringing my hands” so prevalent in The Days of Our Lives.

5. It’s totally normal to have friends with their own jets. Amelia, have you been hiding your private jet from me?

6. Two days away from home requires a suitcase bigger than my car.

7. Being the only brunette amongst a gaggle of blondes will result in me getting my own guest house next to the pool. (Note to self: 1. Buy some brunette hair die. 2. Find some blonde friends with a pool and a guest house).

8. Red heads don’t exist in LA unless they are models or boyfriend stealers.

9. None of the girls’ so called “friends” actually like them. Elodie and whats-her-face both think Heidi is beyond ridiculous, Audrina’s co-worker Chiara basically tells Audrina that Justin Bobby is smelly, and Lauren’s friends keep kissing the boys she’s thrown back to the water, obviously in an attempt to simply upset her.

10. I am so glad I am 28, married with children and sitting at home every night watching someone else go through all the angst.

Oh, and how do I know it’s not real?

Those girls apparently go out more than once or twice a week, drinking and such, right?

Well, not ONCE have I seen ANYONE sitting in the gutter, drunk and crying over a boy.

Except for that minor detail, I would have totally believed the whole thing was real…