Archive / April, 2012

A Mother’s Top 5 Concerns Pre-Baby {Guest Post: Kellie from Three Li’l Princesses}

When Kellie from Three Li’l Princesses emailed me and told me she had written an e-book, I was excited.

Then, after reading Only Hearts Should Be Worn On Sleeves: The Snotty Truth About Motherhood, I was relieved.

Because as much as I love Kellie, no one wants to promote a dud.

This e-book is at the opposite end of the scale to dud.

To show you how far from dud Kellie is I have secured a coveted guest post by Kellie on the Only Hearts Should Be Worn On Sleeves: The Snotty Truth About Motherhood vitual book tour!

Enjoy!

A Mother’s Top 5 Concerns Pre-Baby

It’s funny how a garbage

truck load of pooey nappies and three milk tankers of boobie juice can change your perspective on parenting. In the days of being “up the duff’’, I never imagined how I was going to juggle the whole “being a mother thing’’. Sure, I could conduct an interview with some of the world’s brattiest celebrities and keep my cool, but taming a one-year-old? That sounded petrifying.

Somehow, I’ve survived – twice. With Princess Ella now aged four and Li’l Holly 18 months, life is that little bit easier as they become more independent. That’s not to say the post-baby years are easy. Just visit our house at 8.30am every morning.

With the baby stage gone, it’s given me cause to reflect on what my top 5 concerns were pre-baby:

  1. Dressing a baby. I kept having visions of a frantic octopus and me trying to get all eight arms through the eye of a needle.
  2. Breastfeeding and expressing. I imagined the “milking machine’’ would latch on too tightly, suck out of control and I’d be yelling for The Bloke In The Shed to come yank it off my chest.
  3. Never sleeping again. For someone whose version of a late night was usually 8.30pm and who could still manage to sleep in until 9am every day, getting up at all hours to feed and change Ella and Holly was like depriving Paris Hilton of boys.
  4. How on earth I have a shower. It’s amazing how clean you can get from 2½  baby wipes.
  5. Losing my perfect innie. I imagined my belly button would forever be an outie, complete with Angelina Jolie-looking lips, after popping out mid pregnancy. Instead, now it looks like the Grand Canyon.

Some days I still wonder how on earth Ella was able to be dressed and fed, while I managed miniscule moments of sleep, a shower and the return of my innie. But we mothers are pretty adaptable creatures. Even if it means gaining a head full of grey hairs in the process.

What were your biggest concerns pre-baby? What were the things you wished someone had told you about?

Kellie O’Brien is a journalist, funny mummy blogger, mum to two li’l princesses and a li’l princess herself, at just 150cms. OK, so that’s being a tad generous. At Three Li’l Princesses, she provides a look inside the life of Tasmania’s “other” princess – all minus Princess Mary’s style. She is also author of the new ebook Only Hearts Should Be Worn On Sleeves: The Snotty Truth About Motherhood.

When Boobs Get Funny {A Boob Beanie GIVE AWAY!}

I have big boobs

and I cannot lie

Some other mother’s won’t deny

That when you take your baby to a public place

and she wails loudly in your face

A leak gets sprung.

Woah! That babe is strong

And you know that she is wearing

Has got people confused and staring,

 Cos she’s got a Boob Beanie on her head,

Oh,  Baby! She’s warm and ironically fed!

That, dear friends, is my poor attempt at a rap lyric. Of course to the tune (rhythm?) of Baby Got Back.

Yes. I just rapped about breastfeeding to Baby Got Back

But Daisy, why are you rapping about boobs?

Because this is a giveaway.

About boobs.

More accurately, this is a Boob Beanie Giveaway.

Can I hear you say “haa-ey!”?

Right, moving on.

It’s getting chillier and we are starting to bundle our babes up.

Last winter, and the winter before, I saw these beanies doing the rounds and was like:

“I need two of those!”

I couldn’t imagine anything funnier than feeding my twins in public with these.

I’m not even joking about how much I still laugh at the thought of it.

Oh man, my boobs were so huge.

Their heads were so small.

Moving on.

I wanted some of these beanies but never got them, then my boys weaned themselves.

So, now that my chances of putting these on my kids for a laugh are gone, who wants to indulge me with their own Boob Beanied baby?

Anyone?

Yes, I rather thought so.

I have TWO boob beanies to giveaway to TWO wonderful readers of Daisy, Roo and Two!

Once the winners are chosen they will be able to choose the size and colour of their choice.

Here’s what you gotta do to go in the running:

1. Head on over to Boob Beanie on Facebook and tell them I sent you.

2. Make up your own rap (rhyming, good or bad, is essential) about the Boob Beanie and put it in the comments on this post. I highly recommend ripping off someone else’s tune and making up your own words.

3. Tell all your friends to head on over and try their hand at rapping for a Boob Beanie.

Most creative response wins!

*Boob Beanie have offered my readers a giveaway. No payment was offered, asked for or accepted. These things seriously just crack me up!*

Terms and Conditions:

1. Open to Aussie residents only.

2. Competition opens at 8:30am 29/4/12 and closes midnight 06/05/12.

3. This is a game of skill. Winners will be chosen on the strength of their answers).

4. Any details provided to Daisy, Roo and Two for the purposes of this competition will only be used for the express purpose of contacting the winners and sending out their prizes.

5. The judges decision is final. No negotiation will be entered into.

The Mother’s Day Genie and other stories…

Last year I was prepared for receiving what I like to call “bugger all” for Mother’s Day.

I asked that instead the dishes be done within 20 minutes, or divorce.

I didn’t get either.

So this year, I have made a much more tangible, easy to read Mother’s Day Wish List.

Easy to follow instructions, if you will.

For Mother’s Day. Sunday. The 13th May 2012.

Hint. Hint. Pal.

1. A coffee machine. Of any shape or size. As long as it makes me a coffee, I will love it.

2. A bread bin. That never runs out.

Like the Tim Tams ad.

But with bread.

I have a pretty good bread bin. But it keeps emptying itself too fast.

I realise this is more a “rub a lamp, get three wishes from a genie” kind of request.

It’s here because it’s just as likely as any other request I might make.

3. Some pretty wool for my new crocheting habit project.

Which I am working on secret squirrel style and hope to share with you soon.

4. Make up. Lime Crime.

I want ALL THE COLOURS!! (In my head those capitals sound like the kid from The Shining croaking out “Red Rum!”.

Or Gollum. From The Lord of the Rings.)

My precious…

Lime Crime Lipstick range and magic dust rainbow goodness!

{Images from here}

5. This:

Asos Bag, Random piccolo wine

I also want all the obligatory cuddles.

And breakfast in bed.

And chocolates.

And new slippers.

And love and handmade cards and all that stuff.

But mostly, I want that bag full of wine…

What are you asking the magic genie for this Mother’s Day? Is the Genie likely to deliver?

And no, I will not accept any wishy washy, lovey dovey answers about quiet children or world peace.

Both are as likely as the other.

Yesterday in dot points. And Pro’s and Con’s.

When there is random stuff bouncing around in my head, dot points help. So does weighing up the pluses and the minuses. Here we go!

 I didn’t make the Top 5 of The Top 50 Bloggers competition.

Pros

I don’t have to get out of my pyjamas to receive my Ford Territory.

I can sigh in relief that my part in this competition is done *relax*

I was super impressed and delighted that I made it to the Top 50 at all. The Top 5 would have BLOWN MY MIND!

The Top 5 are ridiculously fabulous. A diverse bunch of women, including Beth, who is in MY top 5 of awesomeness, and Sonia (aka the chicken, aka Mrs. Hiccup) another of my favourites!

Cons

I was totally planning on taking my (on loan) Ford Territory to Sydney for Oscar’s next check up.

And then using it to take Mrs. Nutshell (AKA Nutty) and Mrs. Daze (aka Fi) for a joyride.

This won’t be happening now.

Instead I will be landing myself on Mrs. Hiccup’s doorstep and asking if she and the chicken will take us all for a joyride instead.

Pal is upset that we do not win a Ford Territory for four weeks, or even a year.

And Pal’s sad face is the worst kind of sad face I have ever seen.

When he pulls out his sad face I just know it’s going to end in us spending money.

It’s cold and grey outside.

Pros

I do not have to get of my pyjamas because I do not have to go outside.

Because I do not have to go outside, I do not have to hang out any washing. Right?

Cons

The heater is on. The dryer is getting a workout.

When we get the energy bills Pal will make his sadface.

And then won’t be able to spend any money.

Which will mean extended sad face.

Oscar has discovered his inner power. 

Of tantrums.

Pros

Call me mean, but the Strong Boy throws a pretty amusing tantrum.

Today, he was having a fit at Fraser. He was so upset by the transgression, he bashed his head against the wall.

Then, because the wall hurt his head, he hit the wall.

And missed.

Then I got cuddles because of the evil floor that rushed up to whack him in the chest.

Also, I do not have to get out of my pyjamas to watch him have a tantrum.

Cons

Oscar/Strong Boy tantrums are loud.

Really loud.

And most often begin the minute I open my mouth to speak.

Fraser is showing off.  Epicly.

Pros

I now know that Fraser can:

  • say “Oscar shoosh!” and “Where Ra-ra?”
  • take his pants off
  • understand me when I tell him to: “get your pants/lay down/go find your sister”
  • get his pants, lay down and find his sister

Cons

He keeps taking his pants off so that I will tell him to find them.

He keeps standing up and yelling at me from his bed so I will tell him to lie down.

He keeps “losing” his sister.

By turning his back to her and standing really still and looking at the ground.

A hat is optional.

This state of stillness means that no one can see him.

Even if he is in the middle of the room.

When the zombies come, he will be totally safe.

Unless the zombies ask for a cuddle…

I promise you this video is worth your time. *

*Note: If you have a weak pelvic floor, it’s best to go to the loo first.**

**Note: This video is hilarious. To me. I make no guarantees that it will be funny to anyone else…