A birthday dilemma: should siblings receive toys on another child’s birthday?
Meet Barbie Mermaid.
Also known as Baby Ariel by Roo.
Her tail changes color in warm and cold water and her hair is long and streaked with ultra violet purple.
She is my 7 year old self’s wet dream.
Roo is in love with her.
She hasn’t left her side since she came out of her box.
I’m appreciative of such a gift being given to my girl. Something she loves with all her heart and then some.
It’s special and sweet to watch her as she plays her make believe out.
Last night, the mermaid married her Prince Eric.
Like I said. Make believe.
And all this is lovely and cute and the stuff of memories.
Only I resent that mermaid just a little bit.
Her arrival to my home was unwelcome.
I didn’t invite her.
She wasn’t expected.
She just showed up in a gift bag when my 3 year old daughter returned home from shopping for a present for each of her brothers.
On their birthday.
And that’s the crux of the issue for me.
I don’t believe my children want for anything.
Except perhaps a more patient and consistent mother.
But love, food, and more pointedly toys, they have in abundance.
Roo especially is not neglected in the way of toys and books.
The majority of toys in this house are hers.
The boys play with her toys. They receive very few of their own.
What they do receive, they must share.
It’s the nature of being a twin.
They share clothes, a room, toys, attention, food.
There are very few exceptions in what they don’t share.
And by few I mean one exception. And that’s Ted.
He is Oscar’s.
And Fraser shows no interest in playing with Ted.
In fact, the only time he touches Ted is to pick him up off the floor and give him to Oscar.
So it comes as no surprise that although my boys don’t even mind their sister was gifted her new best friend on their birthday, I really do.
I mind that on a day that was meant to be about them, they were made to share the glory with yet another child.
I mind that the mermaid came in its own Happy Birthday gift bag, to match the boys’ gift bags.
I mind that for no other reason than fairness, she was bought a doll that she otherwise would have had to wait until her birthday or Christmas for.
And chances are that would be her only gift from us.
I mind that it wasn’t really fairness at all.
I mind that Roo is the kind of kid that would have just been excited to watch her brothers open their presents and to sing Happy Birthday and eat cake.
Singing Happy Birthday and eating cake are two of her favourite things.
At a birthday party on the weekend, a birthday boy was not inclined to share his new toys.
Fair enough in my opinion. It was his birthday after all.
At one point, he dropped a toy.
Roo picked it up, looked at it momentarily, and then handed back the toy happily.
She understands birthdays.
She understands that it’s not always about her.
Roo would have been more than understanding if, when faced with a wall of dolls, she had been told:
“Not this time. It’s not your birthday today. Maybe when it is your birthday we’ll come and have a look.”
Roo was born with a patience that I was not. And I do my best to encourage her patience, kindness and generosity.
So I really do mind that all of that was disregarded.
And not in a small way.
–
How do you feel about being “fair” on birthdays? Do you think it’s necessary to get something for siblings so they don’t feel left out?
I’m with you all the way Daisy! My kids just have to tough it out when it’s not their birthday and wait their turn. I don’t believe that ‘fair’ means that everyone gets the same thing at the same time. If anything it is ‘unfair’ because the birthday child doesn’t get to be the special one on their day.
Either way life is not fair, and sometimes kids just have to accept that it is not their turn to get a gift etc. I would be not happy if someone turned up with a gift for my non-birthday child!
Jo @Countrylifeexperiment recently posted..Learning To Read In The 1980′s
I have always given the non birthday girl a few small things – in my house their birthdays are 6 months apart so i always used it as a time to update the other child’s books or a new interest rather than waiting another 6 months… My reason for doing the gifts was not about “fairness” but rather i could see from their perspective how frustrating it would be to have so much stuff coming into the house for their sibling and forever being told not to touch as they were still new and special and understandably not for sharing unless the birthday child was open to it…So it always worked for me to be able to redirect the other child to their few special things and keep the peace – it has worked for us and the birthday child has never felt this detracted from their own day – since we do this as a family in the morning of the birthday (not at the party etc) they have always just enjoyed it together (but mine are 2 girls 19 mo apart and very close so may be unusual)
Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted..More is not necessarily better
I am with you Deb. My girls birthdays are 6 months apart and I always get the other one a little something to keep the peace. They are spoilt rotten I know but I don’t think its harmed them and their kindness in any way! : )
Mez recently posted..Friends, old and new
thanks for making me not the only one (not that i was bothered – i am ok with my choices) – my kids happen to be 2 of the most generous and kind kids in our circle of friends so i think they can appreciate it for what it is (so i agree)
Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted..Grateful for cold weather
Not a problem Deb – its nice to hear a similar voice! Cheers, Mez
Mez recently posted..No.35 @ The Sofitel, Melbourne
NO! Not neccessary!!
Cranky
My sister & I were born only a year apart. It was as if we were ALMOST twins. From the age of 2 to the age of 5 we always received a gift on the other’s birthday. Once we fully understood – it stopped. My Mother said that she thought that for those middle 2 birthdays especially it would have been nearly impossible for us to really understand properly.
I agree that a birthday is super special – with special privileges.
I feel that a lot of kids (particularly mine) get treats galore on a regular basis.
Even attending someone else’s birthday can result in a fair amount of loot as a guest.
I would try to avoid buying anun-birthday gift just to stop my child from being jealous etc.
That’s life.
Let’s see if I eat those words in a few years time, shall we??!!
xx
Mum on the Run recently posted..Grateful For…Getting Paid
I used to give the non-birthday child a gift, but I have stopped now. At 6 & 8 they are old enough to understand why they don’t get anything. Rachel x
Rachel from Redcliffe Style recently posted..Mmmm!!
NO WAY! I know it’s hard on my oldest on my twin’s birthday, but it’s not her day so no presents. This is how I look at it, life isn’t fair and it’s not my duty as a mom to make it fair. It is my job to have empathy and be there for them when life is unfair. These little dissapointments now will help them later in life when the big dissapointments occur. Plus they don’t get presents when they go to other kid’s parties so why should they get one at their siblings party?
I also don’t let my kids help people open presents since I find it annoying. My sister in law always let her four kids “help” me open my presents and it bugged me to no end.
Twingle Mommy recently posted..Free Apps Site
Birthdays is one of the special day that once in a year happen to our life. I understand how do you feel. By the way, thanks for sharing!
Ashleen Moreen recently posted..Timber Doors
Hi Daisy! Definitely no gifts on other people’s birthdays in this family!! In my opinion, it’s important to teach children the awesomeness of giving. A sibling’s birthday is a good opportunity for that. Fairness shmairness. We don’t need to get something every time someone else is given or gets something, birthdays or not. All the time I see it in my nieces and nephews – they constantly complain if they’re not getting something, and especially when their sibling is getting something they pull out the old “not fair” and tantrum face. It bugs me that at Christmas time they only care about how much and what they’re getting – never about how much they’re giving. So… I’m TRYING not to go down that path with my kids. We’ll see how I go, but I would love for them to be just as happy to give as they are to receive, just how you described Roo!
Nat Cardenas recently posted..I Feel A Fusion Coming On
P.S. I should add that those nieces and nephews are aged between 10 and 14 years.
Nat Cardenas recently posted..I Feel A Fusion Coming On
Na, it shouldn’t happen. It does nothing but encourage competitiveness in kids, because they never learnt to just enjoy things for their siblings, without thinking they are missing out.
I would be cranky too.
Jess recently posted..The Grass is Always Greener
I don’t think the siblings should get anything when it’s not their birthday. It’s tough at this age. My daughter always has a hissy and it distracts from the day, but still, it’s the principal, start something now and it will be going forever, I am suffocating in toys and trying to free myself of the pain. I reckon my kids play with 20% of their toys.
Mandy recently posted..Grateful for Time Alone
I think that is right. Even though she or he is a child she or he should understand what is happening around him or her. It is better as a Mom to explain to the child it is not always a best thing to do to always have a toy what they want.
Samantha Lewis recently posted..affordable vigrx oil
Only on the actual BIRTH day.
Bring-on new big brother/sister gifts – they’re going to need them more than the baby – and much more useful to the Mum too.
well happy birthday then!
Carol recently posted..flat rate movers
In my opinion, it should be no. It is the special day of one of your kids so he should be the only one to receive something. However, that doesn’t work in the real world.
Geoffrey recently posted..guitar song books
Yup, totally get where you’re coming from, Daisy.
As you know we only have the twins and there’s no other sibling to think of. But Oscar and Fraser’s birthday is a day for them.
And it’s a pain to think that Roo would’ve been completely fine without receiving anything but now there is the possibility that an expectation has been set. Not fair at all.
Grace recently posted..FYBF – The Bow Chica Bow Wow Edition
Naaaahhh Whats the point of having a birthday and feeling special if you cant sit there and open all your presents in front of envious siblings. Just Joking, but I dont think I would in my house be giving the non birthday kids pressies to avoid them feeling like they are missing out. They get their turn and they have to know its not always about them. That’s just my opinion though – each to their own I say xx
Sonia Life Love Hiccups recently posted..Why I Say It’s Totally Ok To Slap Someone if They Cough On Your Kids!
In life people are going to get stuff and you are not, others will get promoted and you wont, others will win competitions and you wont, others will get married, have babies, all those other big life things and you may well not.
The best way to prepare for the missing out on big things is to practice by missing out on little things. Birthdays are great learning opportunities – a chance for the birthday child to learn about saying ‘thank you’ even if the gift is not exactly what they want, a chance for others to learn about the joy of giving and celebrating others achievements / happy times and learning about not being in the spotlight themselves.
Marita recently posted..You can’t blog that
I haven’t had to think about this one too much yet. It didn’t occur to me to give my big girl something on my son’s 1st birthday. I figured it was his day and she would learn to respect that every one has their special day. I sensed she was feeling a bit left out, so I tried to involve her in the planning/icing the cake – helping her see how fun it was to do something nice for her brother. For all the reasons you’ve mentioned, Daisy, I fully agree. You have every reason to be cranky! PS Miss A would fully be jealous of Roo’s mermaid. Fully.
Deb @ Bright & Precious recently posted..Going Anyway
You’ve touched on a pet hate of mine! I have certain people in my life that insist on buying kids gifts when it’s not their birthday and it drives me bonkers.
I have 3 kids and from the very start I’ve taught them that “fair” is not synonymous with “same”. A few times when they were small I’d have to explain that it’s “fair” that the birthday kid gets spoiled on their special day, because soon enough it would be their turn to be spoiled.
BUT… if they wanted to be treated “the same” then the boys would be bought dresses, the big kids would have to revert to wearing nappies, the little kids would have to start doing chores etc etc… the kids quickly got the point and we all had a good laugh in the process!
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