I’m so unsure about this space at the moment.
I feel like I’m on a bridge to nowhere.
It’s hard to share my life here, as if my world, my privacy, my thoughts are all there to be picked over.
But with the hard comes the ridiculously easy. The too easy.
Because it is very easy to share too much. To share too little.
To give people an idea of who and what you are, without them really knowing you.
And then to get upset when people you thought understood you really don’t.
How can they understand you when you don’t show them all of you?
How can they understand you when you don’t understand yourself?
There is so much talking about blogging. Mummy blogging in particular.
How we get freebies, and paid to write.
How we sell out, bitch, have rifts in our community.
How we set ourselves apart. How we are inclusive. How we are supportive. How we rip one another’s throats out.
How we exploit our children for the sake of a packet of free biscuits.
I read this post by Kerri Sackville today.
If you are confused, interested or feel some kind of animosity towards mummy bloggers (including me) I suggest you read it.
Kerri is the kind of blogger I wish I could be.
She has the career that I would hope to come out of blogging for myself.
If I could ever move beyond this point I am at now.
What she says is true. All of it.
We are people. Humans. Mothers, fathers, photographers, sisters, daughters, wives.
Everything I share on this blog must meet a criteria I have set for myself.
I would never intentionally publish anything I thought might hurt someone’s feelings.
Something that hurts someone’s feelings is different to something people disagree with, though.
I most certainly do have a filter and I most certainly use it. Often.
It’s why this post has been sitting in the back canals of my brain, waiting for the thoughts to form properly in a way that won’t hurt anyone, inspire sympathy and hopefully not instigate any kind of outpouring.
I don’t want help. I don’t want sympathy and I most certainly don’t want smoke blown up my ass.
Right now, inexplicably, I feel that this is not the space to share as openly as I have in the past.
Funny anecdotes, yes.
My thoughts and feelings on parenting, current events, friendships, relationships, my children, no.
It all feels off limits.
Perhaps it’s that Pal is becoming more social media savvy. He reads this blog whenever I post and openly shares his feelings on what should and shouldn’t be here. As is his right and as I have always encouraged him to do.
Perhaps it’s that I feel that my outbox isn’t sending the message through. That things are being read in a way I didn’t anticipate. The message is not being received.
Sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s bad.
The unpredictability of an audience reaction can be somewhat debilitating.
I’ve considered taking a break. A hiatus.
But I know me, and I know that should I stop, should I take a holiday from this space that isn’t spent working on it, improving it – I will not come back.
Not because I don’t love writing. Not because I don’t love my readers – not that I am conceited enough to believe that my absence would be painful for anyone.
But because at some point, something’s gotta give.
And right now I run this blog and it’s Facebook page which both feel like they are slowly shrivelling – despite numbers to the contrary.
It feels like I’ve lost “it”, whatever “it” is.
I study, and I am almost hilariously always behind.
I am trying to be a better parent.
I am trying to be a better housewife.
And right now, trying to be a better blogger seems much harder than the rest of all of that.
I don’t have the time to dedicate to reading numerous blogs a day.
Sometimes I only manage to read one or two, and they aren’t even my favourites – but those that have been shared in my Facebook feed in the five minutes I have before someone realises I am not feeding them, changing them or that I have an item of technology in my possession and they want it for their own amusement.
Perhaps I feel as if I am off eating worms while all the other children are off playing and engaging and loving on one another.
But that’s me distancing myself and not vice versa.
I know how this is going to present.
“Oh, here we go, another blogger depressed by stagnant numbers and lack of community feeling. Let’s all tell her nice things so she’ll shut up and stop threatening to stop.”
Because I am not threatening to stop.
I think I’m promising to do better, whilst keeping more for me. For us.
Because this family I have, that allows me to share our life?
They are amazing. They are kind. They are the reason this blog even exists.
Without them there is nothing to share.
So here’s the deal.
I’ll keep blogging, you keep reading, my family will keep providing me with material and we’ll all just trundle on happily.
I’m not quite sure where this space is going, but let’s go there together.
You’ve got a deal, Daisy.
. Sometimes that can be disheartening, but sometimes that can be part of the fun, right?
PS – I don’t know where my blog is going either – kind of like my life
Happylan recently posted..Edenland’s Fresh Horses – Who are you?
Absolutely part of the fun sometimes! Thanks Lan, I think I just need to get myself out of my rut!
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
Still following!!
Cranky
Cranky Old Man recently posted..DANCE MRS. CRANKY DANCE – 2nd try
God love you Cranky – You’re always where I need you to be!
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
I’m not going to “tell you nice things in the hope that you’ll shut up”! Because I love reading your blog. I think there comes a point (actually, I’ve had quite a few) where we wonder where we’re headed and what to do with our little space. But at the end of the day, you’ve got to do what’s right for you. Deal
Debbie @ Aspiring Mum recently posted..Cooking: With More Than Two Children
Thanks Debbie – I think I’ve had a few of these points as well, and this one has just happened at a time of exhaustion and general busyness in other areas of my life! Deal xx
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
Great post Daisy, I related to everything you were saying, I feel like I am in the same spot. I don’t want to stop but I don’t really know where to from here either.
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely
Rhianna recently posted..Thankful for being a quitter
That’s the thing – it’s hard to discern whether you need to change something or keep on keeping on, as you are and all that. I think we all have to find our own way to move forward and keep going – it’s the getting there that’s the hard bit – I’m sure once we’re there we will feel great!
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
I love your post. I read Kerri’s post the other day and I think alot of people – like me are thinking very similar thoughts!!
We do what we think is right for us and for our blog. But also how much can you keep private before you realise you need to provide more for your readers.. its a vicious circle we seem to be going around in..
I hope you continue on your path you know is right for you and how you feel as a person not what you think your readers need!!
I took a step back and in doing so I found I liked writing about my day to day life more than what I thought the readers wanted to read – and it responded well
Sending big hugs from DTLS
Yvette Pointon recently posted..What to do in a storm
Thanks Yvette – It’s all a bit of a conundrum as Gemma (My Big Nutshell) keeps saying!
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
i hear you and am along for the ride…
Deb @ Home life simplified recently posted..You are enough printable
Thank you Deb – for hearing me and staying on the ride for another round xx
Daisy recently posted..On eating worms…
More & more I believe in organic blogging (as Mrs Nutshell puts it) Write when you want to write, what you feel like writing. The why is important too but is likely to change. Just remember who’s blog it is. You’re the boss. xxx
Nee recently posted..When doves cry… and other excruciating noises
Thanks Nee – that Mrs. Nutshell isn’t silly at all! I’m coming off a year of blogging at least every second day and pretty much almost every day for a year, so I’m not sure if I’m just feeling a bit out of the loop because I am on the net less or if it is just different to be only posting 3 times a week. I feel like I’m losing audience, but really that’s not the case. I’m losing my own connection to the online world though, and that’s important to me – it’s hard to know what to keep and what to let go, and whether I’m happier to just post sporadically or if I need to have some organisation with this thing to feel confident with it. Argh!!!
I hear ya Daisy I feel a little lost as well at the moment.. Im not sure how much I want to share, if I really want pictures, info etc of my kids on the world wide web.. its a delicate thing to know what to share and what to save..
love ya x
mum’s the word recently posted..A Thousand Things and More.
Thanks Sarah – it really is good to hear I’m not alone in feeling like this. I think I just need to readjust what I write about in between my new filters – which is easier said than done!
Can’t win them all daisy. I think your blog is very amusing and entertaining. I blog too I may not have the readers you do but it is nice to make your mark somewhere even if it is small.
you are who you are we all hide a little something from time to time.I think even when people know you completely they will never fully understand.
Continue the way your going I am reading
Katie Rawlinson recently posted..cooking up a storm
Thanks Katie – It is nice to have a space on the web that is just yours, isn’t it!
I like how you write and I love your stories and I admire you for how you cope with your 3 little ones. How many of us really let our real life friends know everything about us? Friends like us for what we let them see and stand by us when we let them see the rest. I am surprised at the amount ofcattitudevthat as been going around lately ( as a non blogger)… Hey if they don’t like what you are doing wtf.most importantly do what you do for yourself and all that it does for you…. And hell what’s wrong with some freebies coming your way!
Done deal Daisy. You keep writing, I’ll keep reading.
Nat – Muddy Farmwife recently posted..Cranky at Black and White
Awesome Nat!!
Yes, Daisy. We are always here to read your post.
Nina Parrish recently posted..The Power of a Big and Thick Penis during Sex
March to the beat of your own drum, sista! I’ve struggled alot with my blog since blogging’s started to take off in Oz but I do it all on my terms now and it’s so much more enjoyable x
Good Golly Miss Holly! recently posted..There’s something to be said about the end of pregnancy.
That’s the place I need to get to. On a different note – how freaking gorgeous is your belly getting!?!?! I’m so excited for you!
I’ve been doing exactly what Nee said, inspired by Gemma. I love the term “organic blogging”. I guess that’s what I’ve had to do more and more this year. I’ve been so busy with work starting but my shift of priorities happened way back on January 1st. I spent too much time online prior to that and I knew in my heart I had to cut back for my family and myself. I’ve thought of scheduling but it’s hard because I feel the need to make it “organic” (what a perfect word!). If I post it, I don’t want to have to remind myself what the post was about and that it related to a thought, feeling, idea, revelation, etc from a week, or a month ago. I do miss the connection, as you said, which is why I hang onto Instagram so tightly.
Because of this, I’ve not been by many blogs as often as I used to, including yours, so I totally relate to your sentence:
“Sometimes I only manage to read one or two, and they aren’t even my favourites – but those that have been shared in my Facebook feed in the five minutes I have…….”
Glad those 5 minutes yesterday led me to your post!
Blog to suit you. People keep coming back because they want to, whether it’s every post, once a week, once a month. The way you write has left a positive mark on people because you are being you. I believe that the most important thing. I have a post inspired by The Voice and the guff going round right now that you refer to and it was inspired a little by yours too. I hope you don’t mind me linking. xx
Veronica @ Mixed Gems recently posted..Carpe Diem
No worries at all, Veronica. Your post reflected exactly what I am feeling xx
Define your own terms, Daisy. Write when you want to write. We’re not going anywhere. Do any of us know where our blogging paths will take us? I don’t think so. But it’s good to stop and take stock once in a awhile. Everyday if need be. Love hearing your thoughts. x
Deb @ Bright & Precious recently posted..Who are you?
Hey Daisy, I’ve got some snails I can share, if you share your worms, we can eat them together while everyone else is off playing together
It doesn’t seem like the same space it was a year ago. Pity.
x Sannah
Sannah recently posted..Love
I also feel the same way what you feel now Daisy. But, do what you want Daisy.
Jean Drax recently posted..How you can Benefit From Teeth Whitening
I haven’t passed a bridge like that. I think it is very hard to walk on that bridge that is just the same on making decision.
Lucy Trim recently posted..Impotence and Natural Herbs that Help Men Improve Their Erection