I’m writing this today for me – not for you. To process. To feel.
To remember.
5 years today since we lost our baby.
Hard to write – hard to believe.
5 years is a significant allotment of time.
Its enough time that you cannot honestly tell anyone for certain where you will be in 5 years time, but you can give them a pretty good estimate.
Monday 20th August, 2007. 4 days before our wedding. And I couldn’t hold onto that baby. Couldn’t keep it safe
It makes this week an emotional rollercoaster.
Monday for grieving. For taking stock. For being grateful.
Friday for celebration. Love. Entwining fingers and congratulating ourselves on making it through another year. Together.
I feel less and less like that babe’s mother each year. Like he doesn’t belong to me and I no longer to him.
Like maybe he never really existed at all except in my own happy bubble.
Ethereal, ephemeral, untouchable.
I have a different happy bubble now. A hard, tiring, nonetheless exhilarating bubble filled with love.
And that baby – that memory – threatens to burst my bubble less frequently than ever.
And the further away his memory flies, the more I clutch to it. Where does he exist if not in my heart? There is nothing physical of him left bar two ultrasound negatives and a pregnancy diary – meticulously kept until 17 weeks and 6 days.
And while the babes sleeping under the roof of the house we bought for him take this physical world by storm, I wonder – is it normal to resent them, just a smidge, for succeeding where he did not? For surviving.
His death brought them life. It made me a better mother to them. More grateful, more present.
More aware that at any moment, they could be taken. Like he was.
What does one do, with feelings so remarkably intertwined? Blended into a bittersweet, heady cocktail that you daren’t sip more than sparingly.
You’d be nearing 5 now, darling babe.
Thinking of you today Daisy and your angel bub. It’s been five years in October since I lost my twins, and I can relate to so much of what you have written in this post.
Tread lightly today, and be gentle on yourself xx
Jane @ The Hesitant Housewife recently posted..Finding Jane ~ Part One.
Much love to you Daisy
Rhianna recently posted..Things I Know About The Universe, Kenny Rogers and Beautiful People
Massive hugs Daisy as you remember your precious boy.
I feel similar feelings , my stillborn daughter brought my twin boys life . Then we raised them in the house we bought for her .
Take care xox
Trish recently posted..Joyville ~ New Cadbury Chocolate Mousse {+ Giveaway x 5 }
I know that feeling. William’s death brought Ivy and Noah into existence. I like to think that they would be here anyway but in truth he was going to be our last baby. So many mixed emotions.
Sending love and gentle birthday wishes to your five year old xx
Tiff recently posted..Nothing.
xxxxxxxx
Mum on the Run recently posted..Point + Shoot : Bentos + Babies
You are so brave daisy!
I’m so sorry to read this. I was watching Brooke Hanson on 60 Minutes last night and was so moved. I’m sure there isn’t anything more difficult or challenging than the loss of a child xx
Hotly Spiced recently posted..‘I told you, Archie’
Hugs
So many of us with lost babies, no matter how early, all missed dearly.
Wendy S recently posted..Eight Days a Week…
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I know you wrote this for you, but still … I really am so sorry.
We bought a lemon tree for our twins.
It didn’t help, & yet, it did
Big love to you sweet mama of 4 xx
Great big gentle hug for you, I can identify to a lot of what you have expressed. Bittersweet, indeed. I’m so sorry your boy couldn’t stay. And yes… I should say it’s completely normal to feel what you feel. Better felt and acknowledged than suppressed, I say xoxoxox So good on you for feeling it. And applause to you for having the courage to share it.
Kirrily recently posted..Shower the people: If it feels nice, don’t think twice
I don’t know what you do with those feelings Daisy, except feel them, express them, hold on to them, or let them go if you want to/can. No feeling is “wrong” in this situation. But perhaps he did what he was sent to do – prepare you for the gorgeous 3 you have now. Lots of love and hugs for you xoxo
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Team Friday
What a week of mixed emotions. Both five years ago and now. Much love to you, Daisy x
Glowless recently posted..RSPCA Cupcake Day
Lots of hugs xx
Oh Daisy… I can imagine today would be filled with many different emotions..
Thinking of you lovely..
xxxxxx
Jane Hallisey recently posted..Windows of Happiness… Coffee, Scones and a Swing at the Park!
Much love and hugs going out to you Daisy. oxoxox
Salz recently posted..My Apology
oh sweetheart, so perfectly and beautifully written, thank you for sharing. As a mum of multiple miscarriages, I can relate, but each has their own reality, I feel for you xo
Beautifully written. ((Hugs))
Best wishes Daisy! And thank you for sharing your experience so eloquently as always.
Your words are beautiful. Much love to you x
Nee recently posted..{Monday’s Minutia} Hurry Hurry! Alternatively titled: Hopeless Mother
You brought me into the room with you Daisy, I could feel everything you were saying.
Love and strength to you
xxx
Shannon @ relentless recently posted..Nip, tuck, wax, mow
a sweet hug for your first baby boy and one for you too xx
Fee @ Oh Gorgeous Baby recently posted..Do You Use Instagram & Webstagram?
Thank you so much Fee xx