I’m stuck.
There’s a wall.
I have so many things that I want to say, that need to be said.
But I remain silent. Here anyway.
This website sits empty, abandoned.
And I wonder, really, if anyone would mind if I just left it here.
My own little space of calm, where nothing new is happening.
Where all the beautiful moments from the past 18 months are written and laid out. For all to read.
But mostly for me to remember.
And I am loathe to post anew, for fear that I will forget some of the old.
I don’t know what happened to me.
When Rory was a babe, I inhaled motherhood.
I couldn’t have been happier. I was in my element. Breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping. Playing, singing, dancing. Walking with her, reading to her, loving her.
She was my world and made me matter.
I’m sure there were bad days. I know there were. But they were so few and far between that my memory of her first year is hazy with sunlight and kisses.
Milky-breathed kisses and naps in the afternoon sunlight.
And when the twins and I came home, my life shifted. Changed.
But it wasn’t bad. My life, despite many challenges and a childhood from a midday women’s channel movie about divorce, has never been bad.
And yet I find myself here now, wishing for the days of sleepy snores and soul-soaring smiles.
It’s taken me until now to really recognise the feeling.
Of not enjoying motherhood.
And somehow, I have to find her again. That mother.
Perhaps a little less naive. Perhaps a little more understanding.
But finding her again, that mother – that woman who could breathe. The woman with a sense of humour.
It’s all important.
And this blog – it sits here, with its words. And reminds me of who I used to be.
And who I want to be again.
no new posts,that’s ok, as long as you are. I’m sure you’ll work it all out, in your own time.
Mandy recently posted..Halloween Craft :: How to make a Spider Web for Halloween
Daisy I want you to make you and your family first priority. These feelings are not a reflection of your worth as a mother, they are a completely reasonable response to the pressures you have. I am glad the wonderful writing you have shared here brings you comfort, I will love you even if you never blog again xxx
Erin @ Eat Play Bond recently posted..And Just Like That, Our House Is Sold
You’re important for this site. Though you’re mother of a baby but this site is now dependent you.
Bret Leonard recently posted..Kim Kardashian Tape
I’m glad you blog, I’m glad you tell it like it is & believe it or not but I feel very similar. I too was that radiant first time mum & somehow this time round not feeling the same still loving being a mum but just really different… We are similar in another way im a heart mum too…
Hi Daisy,
Sorry that you are feeling this way lovely. I think it happens to all of us at some point and some more than others. (I am really only just starting to enjoy it some of the time.)
These feelings can’t just be pushed away or stuffed under the carpet. You’ve had a rough month, actually a pretty rough few years in lots of ways.
Take lots of breaths and take some time to do some recovering and looking after you. xxxxxxxx
Lee recently posted..Peace out, clear out.
I think our blogs become our virtual babies, and like all things that need constant attention to grow and flourish, it can become monotonous and draining to care for them. Add to that three real bebes that need constant attention and you have a recipe for mama-burnout. Take some time to get back to you and the rest will all fall in to place. Not posting regularly is not an issue – the community you have built here will come when you do post, even if you have time off. x
Glowless recently posted..Quickflix review and giveaway
Listen to Glow, she be a wise woman x
Good Golly Miss Holly! recently posted..Sometimes, I get this mothering gig just right.
I am sure you still are that mother but I guess it can feel buried under the chaos of life. I hope you can feel like you are that mother again soon. Your blog will still be here even if you take a little break.
Daisy, it’s ok to not be ok.
God you know that.
Your blog is not just who you were, but who you are.
You are more than your current sense of yourself.
Thinking of you love.
xxxxx
Mum on the Run recently posted..Super Survivor
Oh I know what you mean!! I feel like I am pretending to be that woman- but she’s not here anymore. I think she’s gone for good, and we have to figure out how to be the new person. One who adores her babies and loves being a Mummy, but the one who can admit that sometimes, being mummy is hard. I think I also want to figure out how to be a person outside of ‘Mum’. Does that make sense?
Robyn (@slightly_deep) recently posted..Housekeeping
Take your time and find yourself again…I think you will like her.
We will be waiting…no rush.
cranky old man recently posted..THAT FRIGGIN TOILET
There are moody times in everyone’s life you don’t need to worry you haven’t changed and you can inhale the spirit of motherhood if you want to… just try to focus on the joy of motherhood instead of the bunch of everyday problems and stress…
Szilvi recently posted..Budapesten is egyre npszerűbb a fogbeltets
I think we all have moments like this. Get out and go for a walk, I find exercise always makes me feel better!
Anne recently posted..Cheesy Chilli Beans
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. Eventually all will right itself, just keep on swimming
Rhianna recently posted..A sign. Or not.
Not much I can say that the others haven’t already said. Just wanted to let you know that it doesn’t matter when or how you find your way back to the blog, we will always be here waiting. Here, twitter, instagram, facebook, wherever you need to be or not be, we’ll still be here. I know that you are smart and courageous enough to reach out when you need to. Just take care of you Daisy. Do what you have to do (or not do). xo
Aroha @ Colours of Sunset recently posted..Dear Nicklas {600th Blog Post}
Life is sometimes up and sometimes down, but mostly it’s just there. Your blog, a record of your life, will always be the same. It matters when you’re here, it matters when you’re not, but the only thing that really matters is that you are writing when you want to write and not when you think you should.
Personally I think it’s majorly refreshing when someone stops writing when they run out of things to say for a while.
Be gentle on yourself, Daisy. Parenting is an exercise in endurance a lot of the time. We are human and despite what current thinking would have us believe we should aspire to, there has never been a generation parented by perfect parents. Not ever. And we’re all doing okay regardless.
See you when your muse returns, dear Daisy. x
Maxabella recently posted..This man
Sending you light and love, Daisy.
The essence of you is still there, just tucked away and taking a back seat until the shift settles.
Don’t worry so much about the blogging side because your community is loyal and we’re not going anywhere. Just take care of you xxx
Grace recently posted..Unconventional Blogging – More stuff from PBEvent
As a mom our real happiness is to have a baby right? Me, first time Mom for my first baby and it was just a nice feeling to have them.
Donna Spears recently posted..Solid Timber Doors
This place will be here, but moments with your family are precious and can be lost in a second. And therefore you need to do what is important for you and trust that those people that love and respect you will always stay xo
tahlia – the parenting files recently posted..xmas is coming
Oh my goodness. I read this post and burst into tears. It was like you’d written about me.
I know, starting off with my first darling daughter, there were some hard days spread fairly evenly amongst weeks of feeling happy and fulfilled as I watched her learn, laugh, love and grow.
Then my second beautiful daughter came along and I find it harder to find that joy, find that security that I’m doing all those ‘good mummy things’. I try hard to stick to the ideals that I had, but they seemingly get lost in the ruffles of day-by-day mis/adventures. It’s exhausting trying to be who I think I should be.
After reading your post and crying, I feel a little enlightened too. Reading the comments above and hearing the love, support and warmth flow from your readers, makes me look at my own support network. Maybe I should use that a little bit. Even Wonder Woman takes off her leotard and lasso and becomes Diana Prince occassionally.
I’m off to find my husband and give him a kiss and give my kids a hug. Then I’m going to make myself a hot chocolate, get two, no, three (!) tim tams, go and sit on our verandah and just breathe. It’s ok to have time to breathe.
Hope you feel…whatever you need to feel to be happy, soon.
Mel xxx
(your newest commited reader)