Me and the dishes. We don’t get along. They aren’t my friends, and I am not theirs. I have an aversion to dish washing. I always have. My mother loves to tell a story wherein I am a 17 year old Daisy that hated doing the dishes so much it could make her dry wretch.
It really is my most icky job. I hate doing the dishes more than I hate changing nappies.
Pal doesn’t like doing the dishes either. I’m not sure he’s got any problem with the specific chore other than it means he has to do something. And so the dishes have been known to spark a few arguments in our home.
As a result, I have compiled a list for Pal of why I shouldn’t have to do the dishes. Ever.
1. You married a woman, and not a man. Seeing as you avoid buying me moisturizers and hand creams because they are not “essential”, I cannot do the dishes without getting man hands – dry, cracked, akin to the hands of a builder who has lost his gloves. Unless you like the idea of snuggling up to my man hands, it’s probably best you do the dishes yourself.
2. Our children are allergic to me doing the dishes. Ever wondered why there are so many pictures of our children taken through the kitchen security gates? Crying? It’s because they come out in hives whenever I go to do the dishes. As soon as my hands hit that water, they are all at the gate, crying and begging me to stop so their hives can magically disappear. I’ve never seen these hives. They go away when I stop doing the dishes. Hence, me washing up is bad for our children, and we are already failing on many levels as parents. Let’s not add this to the list, shall we?
3. It’s a safety hazard. Leaving our children alone in the greater end of the house often ends in one child or another doing something dangerous, resulting in head-thunking on wood floors.
Bullying is rife in this house, and I have a zero tolerance policy. So they save it all up for when I leave the room. And once they have conducted their wrestling match they come to the gates and contract hives.
4. No, I can’t do the dishes while the children are in bed. That’s when I get my washing, vacuuming, mopping, bathroom done. Right after all that lazing on the couch I do, whilst on the phone gossiping and whinging about your lack of prowess in the bedroom.
5. I slave over the food and drink you all consume. The least you could do is slave over a sink of boiling hot dishwater.
6. I have taken your complaints under advisement. No, I don’t think I use too many pots, pans and mixing bowls whilst cooking. I use just the right amount to create that delicious meal you just ate.
No, I don’t care that you don’t do as good a job as me. I have built up my intolerance to caked on bits of food on dishes, and am now a pro at flicking off the offending bits. It’s worth it to not have had to do the dishes.
No, you do not need gloves because the water is too hot. You stick your hands inside 200 degree Celsius ovens all day. Our hot water is possibly illegally hot, but it is not as hot as your ovens. Suck up some concrete through a straw.
7. Yes, you have been at work all day. Funnily enough, I haven’t left my place of work (our children) for longer than four hours for over 2 years. If being at work all day is an excuse not to do chores then I suggest we hire a cleaner.
8. Yes, I am happy to use paper plates and cups and plastic cutlery instead. But are you happy knowing we are killing the environment? Are you?
9. Yes, getting the dishwasher fixed is a brilliant idea.
10. No, that does not mean that you will be made redundant in the dish washing process.
It’s lucky Meemah is here to do the dishes for me today. She says she doesn’t mind them. She’s implying I’m being silly. I don’t care. I don’t like the dishes. She suggests I get an iPhone app to do the dishes for me. One day.