1. Make sure that your almost 3yo does not, I repeat, does NOT get a nap in the morning. Because that would be crazy silly. If you really want to look like a terrible mother, you will first need a terribly tired child.
2. Take your now terribly tired child to a birthday party. In the park. Where there is another birthday party on also. Make sure your child does not, I repeat DOES NOT know that they are two separate parties, and then let your toddler eat all the other birthday party’s food. Including cupcakes.
3. Now that your child has stolen food and is terribly tired, leave your other children asleep in the pram watched by strangers whilst you take the toddler to play on the equipment. Notice these strangers are taking photos of your sleeping twins and consider this their payment for babysitting.
4. After 45 minutes of swinging, sliding, whirly-gigging, and climbing, finally go over and say hello to the Birth Day mother, and the Birthday Boy. Make sure you leave your toddler on the big slide by herself. She probably won’t fall. Whilst saying hello, watch your child run down to you, see a puddle and start jumping in it. In tights and dress. Find this both amusing and unworrisome – that way your toddler will know it is OK to just sit herself in the puddle and look dirty and drenched for the rest of the day.
5. Sit your child next to a beautifully behaved, although also terribly tired 2yo (TT2YO). This way you can’t make the excuse “Oh, but she is so tired.” An excuse like that will look pathetic next to the beautifully behaved, although tired, 2yo. Make sure TT2YO is eating and interacting beautiful with all other party guests. And then put a sausage on a piece of bread in front of your toddler. Make sure she hates the thought of a sausage on her bread first, otherwise skip this step, and just sit her tantrumming terribly tired little self next to TT2YO.
6. Ask your child if she would like some tomato sauce. If you have followed all other steps correctly, she will throw a fit and kick her plate across the table in the process, whilst coming dangerously close to flicking the birthday cake off the table.
7. Take her back to the playground to play, leaving your now awake babies to be cared for by other party guests. Throw some food at them and run, it’s probably the best way to look neglectful.
8. Whilst at the playground, notice pre-teen girls that are sitting halfway down the slide, barring the way for other, smaller children, to be able to slide down. Thinking that this is rude, you first don’t warn your toddler that these pre-teens are in her way, and then watch her slide down on her back, feet first, to kick into the first pre-teen she comes across. Only AFTER the kicking is done, tell pre-teens that they are going to have to abandon their attempts at slippery dip ownership and: “You’re going to have to MOVE girls. The little kids can’t get past you.” Watch the pre-teens scurry – it’s not really points towards Terrible Mother of the Year, but will make you feel powerful and in control. Also, it will save your child from falling off the slide sideways – today we are competing for Terrible Mother of the Year, not Worst Mum of the Year.
9. When someone offers to let your other children out of the pram they have been locked into for almost two and a half hours, kindly refuse with no explanation. This way you can look mean AND grumpy.
10. Finally, when you offer your child cake, and she refuses, make sure you ask her a second time: “Do you want this cake, or not?”. Hopefully, she will reply rudely, unhappily and LOUDLY: “OR NOT!”.
You can now go home, knowing that you both feel and looked like a Terrible Mother.
Yesterday was the first time that I truly felt overwhelmed by Roo’s behaviour. We’ve had worse days (even in public) recently, but I’ve always felt like I could manage it. I understood she was tired, and that it really wasn’t I hope that bad, but still felt so exhausted by it all that I came home and had a nap! There were so many teaching moments that I just didn’t know how to handle.
Do you sometimes get overwhelmed by your toddler’s behaviour?
|With Diary of A SAHM|